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Combatants of the Century Opposites Scene

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Here's another scene I have. It was an unfinished script based on my Combatants of the Century idea, but now I finally have it ready for you. It's a scene where Ken (one of the heroes) meets with Omoiyari (another of the heroes) and get in trouble and start bonding with each other.

UPDATE 1-18-16: Version 2 is here. 

UPDATE 4-13-16: Version 3 is here. 
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© 2015 - 2024 RobertMisirian
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Mythiril's avatar
hello

this is on behalf of ProjectComment

Well, because I don't know the story behind this, I am treating this as a standalone and judging based off this scene and not anything else. Also, I don't write scripts, so i'm just going to go through this line by line instead. Also, i am assuming if this is an adult movie script, if not, just ignore some points below then. 

:bulletgreen:KEN, a body-scarred, muscular, and Asian teenage warrior
in a black karate uniform walks downstairs leading to the basement

I am unfamiliar with how scripts descriptions should be written, but considering that Ken is wearing a fully covering karate suit, how do we know he's scarred? Especially that the scarring is on his right side as you reveal a few paragraphs in. Also, the  sentence structure strikes me as a bit weak, some editing could certainly help it flow better.

:bulletgreen:He generates an area of orange light around it.
Around what? what does the 'it' refer to?

:bulletgreen:He raises his right arm to use his fist as a flashlight
I understand there's some sort of mystic chi magic working here, but this is a bit over the top imo. It reminds me with bad cgi in asian movies more than anything.

:bulletgreen:Ken glares at the label.
Why? how can a label generate so much anger? Perhaps the word you're looking for is ogled, stared, observed, leered?

:bulletgreen:OMOIYARI, a curvy Asian teenager-looking female
Teenager looking is incorrect. There's no such thing. I think what you're looking for is:
A curvy-looking Asian female teen, or simple a curvy Asian female teen.

:bulletgreen:Ken enters the room as Omoiyari follows him
didn't he hear her step behind him on the stairs? why did he wait until they were in the room to turn around?

:bulletgreen:Omoiyari looks at Ken with a look of worry on her face.
Omo looks at Ken worriedly. -not saying yours is wrong, but if it can be replaced with an adverb instead, then keep it to an adverb.-

:bulletgreen:I told you twice not to follow me anymore. What’s holding you to that?
Twice is rather irrelevant. It's more than enough for your reader to know she'd been told off before. Also what's holding you to that is an odd composition.

:bulletgreen:Ken opens his kimono and shows scars on his right side.. Omoiyari looks on shocked.
Well, it's not a kimono. A karate suit isn't a kimono. Also the male kimonos are often referred to as Yukatas, which is the informal kimonos. The formal kimono wear is often used for traditional ceremonies than casual wearing.

:bulletgreen:This is everything I’ve gone
through my whole life. Even when
I’m helping anyone, and I don’t
ever get repaid for my work!
What makes you
think you even CAN help me?!

the structure is weak again. The second part of the sentence doesn't really add up, because it's an unfinished sentence. Even when he's helping and not getting repaid he's what? Also the second half of the sentence sounds really off due to the incomplete phrasing.
think you CAN even help me?!

:bulletgreen: Omoiyari is grabbed by an OMARIAN GUARD and dragged off.
Ken follows her and is restrained by two more OMARIAN GUARDS.

Did they appear out of thin air? The two are in a basement and Ken is facing the door, he would have seen them coming. I know this is a script but you have to keep a logical sequence to it. Bad guys don't just appear out of thin air. 

:bulletgreen:An arrow hits Ken’s back from offscreen
and there's no mention of Ken's reacting to it. I'm not sure if you checked projectile speed, but a composite bow can shoot an arrow at the speed of 335 fps. A hit to the back is both painful and deadly. 

:bulletgreen:Ken throws the arrow to the archer’s knee
Skyrim reference. 

:bulletgreen:An ARMORED OMARIAN GRUNT punches Ken from offscreen and
Ken punches him, sending him away.

Again, reaction. An unexpected punch is going to knock you down. No matter how strong you are, you will fall from the impact, especially there's an armor involved. 

:bulletgreen:The grunt flies past two more ARMORED OMARIAN GRUNTS and
they both charge toward Ken. Ken catches their punches,
and he flips upward and kicks them in their chins, sending
them flying away.

I'm going to stop here for a few seconds. The more I read about how Ken is fighting, the more i am under the impression that you've fallen into the costly mistake of making your character a Gary Sue, overpowered, god mode, and generally unbelievable. I get that Ken is strong, but this is bad. I'm sorry this is harsh, but I am not going to sugarcoat it for you. Ken is unbelievable, and the more I read into this the more this is sounding like Mortal Kombat, dragon ball and Shaoline movies, over all a very weak combo to follow. While Ken's emotions are human, and I can relate to, his power is not and it ruins the character for me. Like I said earlier, this entire fighting scene reads like a mediocre CGI. I am not sure if you're trying to achieve humor in the script, but it's really not adding up.

:bulletgreen:Two OMARIAN GUARDS walk toward Ken. Ken looks up at them.
The armored guards look at Ken and Ken glares at them.
Ummm...you can just say they exchanged glances and ken glared. The original sentence is terribly weak. 

:bulletgreen:The one on the left side of the screen raises his hand,
preparing to punch Ken. An OMARIAN NINJA suddenly flies
from the left side of the screen, tossing the left armored
guard offscreen.

You're going to have to rephrase this. It gives off the impression that the ninja attacked the guard this way, when in reality he was thrown at the guard. consider changing flies to was flung, tossed, thrown,  the passive tense is what's going to give the impression that the ninja wasn't moving willingly.

:bulletgreen:The black smoke around Ken flies by itself up the basement door
I am not entirely sure what this means, the smoke is alive?

:bulletgreen:Two OMARIAN NINJA approach from behind Yari as she turns around and kicks them both away at once.
Both at once...how?

:bulletgreen:The Omaraian guard spins and swings the sword at Omoiyari,
but she catches the sword with the tip of her index
finger, completely unharmed. Omoiyari punches the guard
away and take his sword. 

and this is where you fall in the trap of a Mary Sue again. I understand you want them to be strong, but this is absurd. If this is a cartoon, then ok, i'll understand the overpowers and such, but as an adult movie, this is absurd. Any movie maker is going to delete these scenes without hesitation. A Mary Sue is the worst type of a character you can use. In your questions to us in ProjectComment you asked about character development, and while the emotional side is alright, the physical is not. The strength aspect is ruining your characters rather than help them rise. 

:bulletgreen:Omoiyari throws her sword at two OMARIAN ARCHERS coming
from behind. They shoot arrows at the sword, but the sword
cuts the arrows and the sword cuts down the upper part of
a dragon statue. It falls on top of the two archers.

same comment as above. No, this only happens in really bad movies. You don't want that. Swords can't cut stone, not even remotely. 

:bulletgreen:Omoiyari turns to face Ken, who’s still lying on all fours and looking up at Omoiyari
kneeling, not lying. 

:bulletgreen:Not one guy ever did that. That’s great...except it’s just the first time.
grammatically incorrect. 
No one ever did that. is the sentence you want.

:bulletgreen:They are CHRISTIE ARMSTRONG and ARNIE
JACKSON respectively. CHATO, a Native American, sites to the far left.
why do their names and races matter at this point? same goes for the other students in the next paragraphs. Their actions matter more than their names, this feels like unneeded detail to lengthen the plot, otherwise I don't see a need to know their names while they train.

:bulletgreen:We see ZENAKU SHIMATSURA in a shadowed throne with glowing eyes

Mortal kombat reference. And i think double dragons reference? 


My overall impression on this isn't quite what you hope for. It's cliches, and it uses other famous troupes without having much else to base itself upon. Come to think of it, the mentions of teens and magical pendants brings to mind kung fu shoalin as well and that will get you shredded in the film/series making business. You're going to have to come up with your own original content to be able to rival movies and shows alike. Another thing to watch out for is the weak sentence structure, it's allover the script. Yes, i understand it has different rules than prose, but at the same time, any director who's reading this need to be hooked rather than shaking his head and sighing at it. 

It needs work, but you're on the right track, keep practicing and you'll get there.